Why Are We Fighting? How Couple’s Counseling Can Break The Cycle
Ever feel like you’ve been having the same argument or avoid certain topics as they typically lead to a screaming match? Many couples get to a point where conversations are more like battlefields and nothing ever gets resolved. Guess what? The fact that you’re fighting is not wrong or means the relationship isn’t working. Conflict makes you human and the constant arguing can be a sign that something in the relationship needs attention. Couple’s therapy can be a great way to understand why the fighting is continuous and how to connect through the conversation. Below are some fighting patterns that might feel familiar and how couple’s therapy can help:
Mental Health
Mental health triggers are important to consider when fighting because they are invisible and show up in various ways. When one or both partners struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, trauma, or other conditions, emotional regulation and communication can suffer.
Anxiety can cause hypervigilance or control-seeking.
Depression can create emotional withdrawal or irritability.
PTSD may lead to shutdowns or hypersensitivity to perceived rejection.
Undiagnosed conditions can be mistaken for personality flaws.
Recognizing these internal battles are crucial as it can impact feeling acknowledged, understood, and supported. Fights often occur when someone feels that the other doesn’t care, fighting their triggers in the midst of conflict, and possibly not even understand what internally is going on. Couple’s therapy can assist couple’s in addressing topics in a non-blaming way and actively check in on one another to know when to take breaks.
Emotional Disconnect
Emotional safety is the ability to be vulnerable without the fear of rejection, judgement, and emotional punishment. Arguments can become heightened when emotional safety is threatened or hasn’t been built at all. Instead of conversations being productive toward understanding or problem -solving, words can feel like weapons and unsafe. Without emotional safety, defensiveness replaces curiosity and blame replaces listening. Emotional disconnection can look like:
One partner fears being misunderstood or shamed, they may shut down or lash out.
If previous fights have led to betrayal or emotional injury, partners may fight to protect, not to connect. The couple fights to win against the other.
Disagreements become tests of loyalty or love.
Couple’s therapy can assist couples of minimize escalation of conversations by implementing calming approaches to address vulnerable moments and work toward understanding and less on reacting.
Unmet Needs
Intimacy comes in the forms: emotional, intellectual spiritual, experiential, and physical. When couples differ in how much or what kind of intimacy they want, or when life disrupts their usual rhythms, disconnection grows. Intimacy impacts conflict because:
A lack of emotional intimacy can feel like being roommates rather than partners.
A lack of physical intimacy may lead to resentment or feed insecurity.
Mismatches in desire or affection can lead to assumptions that question their partner’s love or intention, which triggers conflict.
Arguing consistently can be a sign of missing connection and less about the dishes or time spent on social media. Couples therapy can help reduce emotional distance and creating space for setting intentional time to express intimacy needs.
Daily Responsibilities
Emotional and role imbalance can strain interactions between partners. When a partner balances invisible load/labor, decision fatigue, and unequal division of tasks it is common to feel overwhelmed. When carrying much of the load and feeling as though the efforts is going unnoticed or not shared equally, feelings of being unvalued, unseen, and unsupported become more present. Warning signs of this include:
Statements like “You never help” vs. “I didn’t know you needed help”
Resentment about being the “default parent” or emotional manager
One partner feels burned out, the other confused
Couple’s counseling can help acknowledge signs of burnout, normalize communicating the need for help, and supporting your partner in the responsibilities to reduce long-term disconnection.
So why do couples fight?
Fighting does not mean you as a couple are failing. Arguing is an attempt in feeling seen and express care deeply. So if you’ve been considering couple’s therapy and aren’t sure how it can help, couple’s counseling can play a transformative role in how partner engage in healthy conflict. Whether its identifying the root issue, interrupting unhealthy communication patterns, learning active listening skills, rebuilding emotional safety and trust, addressing trauma impacting the relationship, or restoring intimacy and connection, couple’s therapy is a great start in stopping the fighting cycle.
