5 Signs You Need Couple’s therapy
When is the right time to go to couples therapy? Many people struggle with when to go to couples therapy and sadly, many wait entirely too long. According to John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. That is six years to build up resentment, anger and disconnection, before they seek out help to resolve differences in effective ways. While pushing it off is an attractive option, avoidance never benefits anyone.
While every couple struggles with unique issues, there are some common themes that can help you identify the right time to enter into couples therapy:
You Feel Disconnected
If you have noticed a feeling of disconnect, couples counseling can help facilitate a feeling of closeness. As busy as we tend to stay as a society, it makes sense why so many couples feel more like roommates than partners. If you feel you have been trying to connect with your significant other and it keeps falling flat, that can lead to hurt feelings, resentment, and eventually, disengagement. This, if left unattended, can devolve into an emptiness in the relationship. Before you look up one day and wonder who the stranger is that you’re living with, try working with a couples specialist to help you more effectively connect with one another.
You are always fighting
Perhaps the number one reason couples seek counseling is because they want help managing conflict. If it feels like all you do is fight or that anything you say will be taken as an offense, then you and your partner may be experiencing what Drs. John & Julie Gottman call ‘negative sentiment override.’ Negative sentiment override is a state in the relationship where good or even neutral interactions can be perceived as criticism or an attack. What I suggest is not that we stop fighting, but learn how to fight. We as westerners are fairly averse to the idea of conflict, but if done well, conflict is an opportunity to learn about your partner and how to love each other better.
You never fight
On the flip side, if you never fight, things may not be what they seem. This is not to say that low-conflict is a sign of an issue, but if you are avoiding conflict or withdrawing, then what you experience is not peace. The absence of conflict does not always indicate harmony; often more times it indicates apathy. Apathy may be a near enemy of contempt. So while it may look quiet on the outside, decay may be forming within.
Major transitions
Any time you experience major transitions—such as the birth of a new child, moving, marriage, death in the family, new job—you can expect that there will be a period of transition. As a general rule, our brains don’t love change. Navigating that within is one thing. Navigating new roles and expectations is a stress all it’s own.
Negative comparisons
This one is sneaky. Before things get really bad in a relationship, before discontent is even voiced, thoughts start to sprout up; thoughts like, “I don’t deserve this,” “I don’t have to tolerate this,” or “I wish they could (you fill in the blank) like that other person does.” When we start to compare our relationship to anything outside the relationship and come up short, a storm is brewing. In fact, in the 24 Step Cascade Towards Betrayal (Gottman, Rusbult, & Glass), negative comparisons and negative thoughts about our partner and/or our relationship predicts the decline of a relationship, even possibly resulting in infidelity.
Bonus*: Things are good
If things are good, is it imperative that you immediately seek counseling? No. But I can tell you from years of experience, that the time to learn conflict management and friendship-building skills is not in crisis. Yet, this is when I meet most of my clients. Should you go into a crisis? Yes, BUT learning anything while under immense stress only compounds the difficulty and reduces retention. Much better to learn how to fight BEFORE you enter the ring.
Begin Couples Therapy in McKinney, TX
Your relationship is important to you and we understand that. That's why our couples therapists will work with you and your partner to strengthen the foundation of your relationship and make sure it can weather anything that comes your way. If you are interested in beginning Couples Therapy:
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Other Therapy Services at Sharp Wellness
At Sharp Wellness, our therapists understand that you may face more challenges than the ones in your relationship. We have a location in Birmingham, AL, and Mckinney, TX. Our therapists also offer a variety of therapy services to support you and your family. We offer trauma therapy, teen and adolescent therapy, individual counseling, marriage counseling, family counseling, LGBTQIA+ affirming therapy, EDMR Therapy, and Group Therapy. We also offer Couple's Intensives at our Mckinney, TX location.